[Dealing With It Pt.1]

Enlightened

I’ve been going through a lot spiritually and emotionally. Mostly, I am trying to make sense of tragedy, specifically the sudden death of my mother. I know that this dark hour is upon me, because there is a lesson out there for me to seek, know and share.

This calamity has made me so observant. My ability to step back and assess the actions of others was heightened perhaps because I was paralyzed by my reality. I am in my darkest hour and in the darkest place imaginable. My spirit has been shattered, burnt and sprinkled somewhere in this unrecognizable world.

I’m vulnerable, broken, but not weak, I am tired, but I continue to strive. My wish, just one, is simple; bring her back. The choirs of “if there is anything I can do…” are perpetual and I appreciate its regular chime. What I want, no earthly being can provide. Each and every hour I exist without her causes my soul to ache. The irony of being ushered into life by her, without her I would have failed to exist, and without her existence I am failing. I would have breathed for her, even died for her. Her beauty, her faith and her resilience didn’t just fuel me, it fueled so many.

I witness the changes in others, maybe even in me. I’m not as patient, some are. I’m moved by the kindness of many and the indifference of a few. I’m surprised by no-one; I guess I never give more credit than is due. My gratitude to some will be infinite as I will never be able to repay the kindness.

True friends are the family we choose. I have never taken for granted that I am blessed to make acquaintance with so many beautiful young men and women, who love me unconditionally.

My greatest love, next to mommy, is my fantastic little brother who is the sole reason I ignored the self-destructive voices in my head. I exist because he needs me. If at 17 he can exude so much strength and faith, then I too must shine some light. Our mother raised us to be strong proud and faithful.

The strife I face daily as a result of loosing my prayer warrior, my stylist, my doctor, my relationship councilor, my teacher, my best friend ~ my mommy; makes me reflect on watching the men sealing her grave with cement and thinking I still had time to fall asleep with her one last time. When I looked to my right and saw the face of my 17 yr old brother, I knew I had to be here for all the ugly, unpleasant and horrid things that the world has to offer us. I had to be here to shield him from certain and uncertain danger and I had to flourish so that we can flourish.

Our mother, a descendant of the Maroons, a single mother, a wife, a subordinate, a leader, a cheerleader and a guaranteed smiling face, raised us to be true to ourselves, live up to our potential and never give up. Resiliency is in our genes. We are her living legacies.

I continue to learn from my silence and from the deeds, words and silence of others. I live in a place of uncertainty. I have realized that my strength is immense. I can do anything and with large levels of success. Many are unaware of the after-effects of such a tragedy; I am unaware. My reality reveals itself to me in new manifestations each day, be it turbulence or bliss.

I T H I N K T H E R E F O R I A M D A N G E R O U S
(and it even scares me)

I'm Addicted to Diet Pepsi

Can you relate?

I'm at work and that 3pm hour is upon me. After drinking close to 3 litres of water (for my American counterparts -A lot a water), I get this pesky headache, my energy level starts plummeting faster than stocks on the TSE; I need a fix. I reach into my purse, dig through all the unnecessary items, promise myself to empty the purse and reorganize it, ridding myself of junk, until the next day --> Anyway, back to the reason I entered the purse (there will be a follow-up Blog on purse clutter, I reach for my wallet and scrape out $0.75. I sigh with relief that I have enough change. The Soda Machine is not fussy, any form of $0.75 is accepted (except pennies).I make the 2 minute walk through our building to the lunchroom, where I insert the coins into the machine and press the Diet Pepsi button way more times than necessary. Then I hear it, the thud of my purchase, the thrill of my afternoon, landing in the retrieval space! Hallelujah! Ecstasy! I quickly snatch it up, repeat my 2 minute walk to the building, back to my desk.

I place the can on my desk, admiring it briefly before setting a deadline for my consumption. I complete a self-imposed moratorium on consuming the Diet Pepsi - then I open the can and I guzzle it!!!! Satisfaction guaranteed!

On my way home, or into the office, i must remember to purchase something, anything, so that I can have the coinage required for my afternoon utopia.

~T~
i t h i n k t h e r f o r e i a m d a n g e r o u s

Perplexed

Perplexed




Ok, so I’ve been on a mission to establish a meaningful friendship with Mr. Crush and I have come to observe that someone else has infiltrated my being. I’m not quite sure how to explain his presence, but he’s here…and I am not kicking him out, at least not yet.

I haven’t taken this distraction seriously, but after a few moments of reflection, it has come to me that I may actually be caught up and liking his presence. [Although I’m not Catholic, I Cross my heart and kiss my imaginary rosary now as I write this.] I have this unrelenting faith that Mr. Crush and I will overcome scheduling conflicts, pride, egos and let love in. So why allow a distraction to cloud my thoughts?

Only time will tell how these two tales will evolve, for now my heart continues to be wrapped up in Mr. Crush. I have been honest and open with the distraction about the existence of Mr. Crush.

I suppose I am the most perplexed with the notion that I may be blind-sided by someone else who will sweep me off my feet – not who I planned but who I need to have  WHOA!!

In Denial,
i t h i n k t h e r e f o r e i a m d a n g e r o u s

Do You Like Me?

Do You Like Me?

This piece is inspired by the simple way in which children decipher if someone is mutually “Crushed Out”.

…:::Method:::…

1.Write Note

Do you like me?

Yes □

No □

2. Fold paper and pass to person in close proximity to target, ask them to pass it to Crush.

3. Crush reads note and responds. Note makes reverse journey. You receive answer, good or bad and the rest they say is history.

…:::Flash Forward:::…

In adulthood we often complicate things. Egos come into play, and past relationship successes and failures dictate how relationships blossom. Love is not formulaic nor is it bolstered by ego. It is free flowing and is only successful when couples respect that fact. When we infiltrate the natural feelings that love brings about,with analytical wonderings, we taint the natural experience that would have ensued had we just appeased nature.

…::::Confession:::…

After weeks of self torture, I have made peace with my past, my present and my future. As if that is not cliché enough, I am ready to embrace everything that love has to offer me. I have decided to put away my pretension, reservation and everything else getting in the way of my happiness.

So far my over processing the situation has only caused me insomnia, loss of appetite, loss of focus, misdirection (I literally drove the wrong way down a one way street) and hours of contemplation…I’m done. I’m so gone and that’s ok with me...hope he checks the "yes" box.

i t h i n k t h e r e f o r e i a m d a n g e r o u s

What's it Gonna Be?

Over the past year I have conversed with a male friend regarding the state of his marital status. Before you go there and assume that he and I are flowers blooming in a love garden, let me make it clear that it ain't that type of party. We are miles apart and content with being platonic. (Yes such relationships do exist.) Anyway, his parents make it a point to sit him down and discuss the state of his romantic affairs on a regular basis.


He finished school and by their calendar, he should be moving on to the next step of marriage, followed closely by children. Our cynicism has fueled our friendship - as the notion of all of the fore-mentioned makes him want to pack the lighest and most essential of his personal effects and head for the hills.


With a promising career and plans to step into the real-estate market, his goals, like many of our peers are predominantly financial. With so much emphasis on work, (many of us even pulling double duty with two jobs), there is very little time for dating, let alone establishing a meaningful relationship. Relationships take time. Time is money.


That brings me to the question; if you had to choose between working extra hours to meet certain personal goals (other than romantic), would you be willing to place your love life on hold in order to achieve your financial goals?


As a cynic, I see it as an issue of LOVE vs. MONEY. It is obvious that when one is abundant, the other is lacking.


[Of course there are exceptions to this rule, and I am in no way implying that someone with love cannot have money and vice versa. I am however stating that if you are trying to establish yourself and garner love while trying to obtain money, your love may not be yielding to the limited time in which you have to share.]



What's it gonna be? Love or Money$ ?

Getting Money ~ Miss Educated

i t h i n k t h e r e f o r e i a m d a n g e r o u s