Enlightened
I’ve been going through a lot spiritually and emotionally. Mostly, I am trying to make sense of tragedy, specifically the sudden death of my mother. I know that this dark hour is upon me, because there is a lesson out there for me to seek, know and share.
This calamity has made me so observant. My ability to step back and assess the actions of others was heightened perhaps because I was paralyzed by my reality. I am in my darkest hour and in the darkest place imaginable. My spirit has been shattered, burnt and sprinkled somewhere in this unrecognizable world.
I’m vulnerable, broken, but not weak, I am tired, but I continue to strive. My wish, just one, is simple; bring her back. The choirs of “if there is anything I can do…” are perpetual and I appreciate its regular chime. What I want, no earthly being can provide. Each and every hour I exist without her causes my soul to ache. The irony of being ushered into life by her, without her I would have failed to exist, and without her existence I am failing. I would have breathed for her, even died for her. Her beauty, her faith and her resilience didn’t just fuel me, it fueled so many.
I witness the changes in others, maybe even in me. I’m not as patient, some are. I’m moved by the kindness of many and the indifference of a few. I’m surprised by no-one; I guess I never give more credit than is due. My gratitude to some will be infinite as I will never be able to repay the kindness.
True friends are the family we choose. I have never taken for granted that I am blessed to make acquaintance with so many beautiful young men and women, who love me unconditionally.
My greatest love, next to mommy, is my fantastic little brother who is the sole reason I ignored the self-destructive voices in my head. I exist because he needs me. If at 17 he can exude so much strength and faith, then I too must shine some light. Our mother raised us to be strong proud and faithful.
The strife I face daily as a result of loosing my prayer warrior, my stylist, my doctor, my relationship councilor, my teacher, my best friend ~ my mommy; makes me reflect on watching the men sealing her grave with cement and thinking I still had time to fall asleep with her one last time. When I looked to my right and saw the face of my 17 yr old brother, I knew I had to be here for all the ugly, unpleasant and horrid things that the world has to offer us. I had to be here to shield him from certain and uncertain danger and I had to flourish so that we can flourish.
Our mother, a descendant of the Maroons, a single mother, a wife, a subordinate, a leader, a cheerleader and a guaranteed smiling face, raised us to be true to ourselves, live up to our potential and never give up. Resiliency is in our genes. We are her living legacies.
I continue to learn from my silence and from the deeds, words and silence of others. I live in a place of uncertainty. I have realized that my strength is immense. I can do anything and with large levels of success. Many are unaware of the after-effects of such a tragedy; I am unaware. My reality reveals itself to me in new manifestations each day, be it turbulence or bliss.
I T H I N K T H E R E F O R I A M D A N G E R O U S
(and it even scares me)
